FWC To Bailout Wine Industry
On Wall Street there has been a huge rally in the stocks of American bucket manufacturers. In pre-market trading American Bucket(ABC), Kick The Bucket(KICK), and Bucket List(LIST), have risen 24%, 39%, and 103%, respectively. A little known earmark in fine print specifies that only American buckets from Arkansas and Kansas are to be used to drain the lake of wine in the U.S. resulting from excess inventories of cult wines and and wines priced at $14 and up. Like housing, there has recently been noted a slight increase in consumption by entry level buyers and those who have had to scale down during the "worst Recession since the Depression of the 1930s". Wines priced at the high end have suffered the greatest drop in sales and anyone who has a few bucks left can get on virtually any "list". "Allocated" wines can now be allocated to YOU, if you want them. Overseas, Asian and European bucket makers fell on the news. Several Asian CEOs and one French CEO kicked the bucket on the news. Interestingly, very few top level bucket makers had the decency to kick the bucket. Instead they seem to have taken out their bucket lists and are flying around the world checking off items at a rapid rate.
President Obama made it perfectly clear that he had no intention of nationalizing the wine industry or the bucket industry. He stated that it was necessary to bailout the wine industry because the country is drowning in a lake of high-priced wine. At his speech in Napa, he noted that roughly half of the countries in the world, including many Muslim countries, produce wine. He stated, unequivocally, that countries must abide by the Non-Proliferation Treaty and that, while no country could or should dictate the wine-growing behavior of another country, non-producing countries must sign the treaty and abide by its provisions. He also pointed out the absurd maze of state regulation and the intra-state attempts to coerce the behavior of individuals living in particular regions. He called for an end to the checkerboard of dry and wet counties found in some regions. Conservative Senators accused Obama of being unduly influenced by what they called a special interest group - Free The Grapes. Former Vice President Cheney virtually accused Free The Grapes of socialism and terrorism
Returning to the international arena, he said that the peaceful use of wine for domestic consumption enhances the GHP (Gross Happiness Product) of individuals and countries, but that threats of overproduction from rogue terroiristes are unacceptable and will be met with firm opposition by the international community. Terroiristes who turn in their plows will be welcomed into the community of nations. He expressed optimism that in the long run, the American wine industry could recapture it's lead by cutting prices and increasing innovation. He said that he understood the long suffering of the followers of Bacchus and Dionysus and history of hostility between them. He acknowledged how difficult it will be to overcome decades of cultism, but said that we must, and will, be guided by our moral obligations to do the right thing. While acknowledging the rights of teetotalers, he asked the world to unite in celebrating diversity, and asked us all, within the bounds of our various values and religious beliefs, to eat, drink, and be merry which is a universal human desire and a human right!